Stonewalling is when someone deliberately shuts down communication by refusing to engage in conversation, respond to concerns, or acknowledge the other person’s feelings. This behaviour is sometimes described as the silent treatment.
Stonewalling can also involve dismissing what the other person says, belittling their feelings, or suggesting they are being unreasonable or “overreacting.” The stonewaller may insist there is no problem, even when issues clearly remain unresolved.
In intimate relationships, stonewalling can be used as a form of control, creating emotional distance and blocking any chance of healthy discussion or decision-making. Over time, this can cause significant harm and prevent couples from working through important matters in their relationship or family life.
Stonewalling typically involves:
- Refusing to respond to questions or concerns
- Withdrawing from conversations, physically or emotionally
- Avoiding meaningful interaction or shutting down when issues are raised
- Belittling or dismissing the other person’s feelings, or accusing them of overreacting when they try to express concerns
Types of stonewalling
Stonewalling doesn’t always look the same. It broadly falls into two categories:
- Unintentional stonewalling – arises when someone is overwhelmed, fearful of conflict, lacks emotional tools or never learned to communicate feelings. They may avoid discussions or shut down without bad intention.
- Intentional stonewalling – deliberate withdrawal, refusal to communicate, often with intent to control, manipulate, punish or avoid accountability. May be part of a pattern of emotional abuse or coercive control.
How stonewalling manifests
Here are common signs you might be experiencing stonewalling in a relationship:
- Deliberate silence when asked to talk, or ignoring questions
- Changing the subject, walking away, not answering calls/messages
- Physical distancing (turning away, avoiding eye contact)
- Making dismissive statements (“you’re overreacting,” “there’s nothing wrong”)
- Refusing to acknowledge or admit to the behaviour
- Frequent avoidance of serious conversations or always moving conflict to “later”
Why do people stonewall?
Understanding motives can help with deciding what kind of support or legal remedies you might need:
- Fear of conflict or not knowing how to express emotion
- Belief that their partner should already know what is wrong (so no need to speak)
- Habit or learned behaviour from upbringing or past relationships
- As a control tactic — to punish, manipulate, avoid accountability or to gain power in a relationship dynamic
- Emotional overwhelm or being physiologically flooded (in some psychological models) such that the person can’t engage constructively in conversation
How stonewalling can be damaging
The effects are often subtle at first, but over time they compound. Common consequences include:
- Breakdown in trust and intimacy
- Emotional damage: anxiety, depression, feeling invalidated, lonely or worthless
- Communication becomes almost impossible – issues go unresolved, resentment builds
- Power imbalances – the partner doing the stonewalling may gain control over decisions or emotional climate
- It can contribute to a relationship deteriorating for good
When does stonewalling become a legal concern?
While stonewalling on its own is not always a matter for the courts, in some circumstances it can become relevant for legal advice or action, including:
- When it forms part of a pattern of domestic abuse, emotional abuse or coercive control under the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 in England & Wales.
- If you are considering separation or divorce and the breakdown in communication makes negotiation, child arrangements or mediation particularly difficult.
- In child arrangements cases, if one parent is consistently refusing to engage, communicate, or collaborate, this behaviour may affect decisions about what is best for the children.
- If protection is needed, non-molestation orders, injunctions or other remedies might be sought if stonewalling is part of a broader harmful pattern.
If you feel you are in need of a discussion with a legal specialist, for a free 30-minute consultation with one of our divorce lawyers near you, call Woolley & Co on 0800 321 3832 or complete our online form.
How to respond and cope with stonewalling
If you believe you’re being stonewalled, here are steps you can take to protect yourself emotionally and legally:
- Recognise and name the behaviour – knowing it is stonewalling helps reduce self-blame.
- Set boundaries – insisting on respectful communication and making clear what behaviours you will not accept.
- Document – keep records of when stonewalling happens (dates, context, effect), especially if legal involvement becomes necessary.
- Seek support – counselling, therapy, or relationship coaching can help both parties. Also, solicitors with domestic abuse/family law expertise can advise on legal rights.
- Consider mediation – where safe and possible, a neutral mediator can help both parties engage.
- Explore legal options – if stonewalling is part of emotional abuse or coercive control, legal routes may include non-molestation orders, injunctions, or raising the issue in divorce/separation proceedings.
FAQs about stonewalling
Can stonewalling be considered domestic abuse?
Yes – when stonewalling is repeated, intentional, and part of a pattern of control or emotional harm, it likely falls within emotional abuse or coercive control under the law in England and Wales.
Is stonewalling the same as silence or needing space?
No – occasionally needing space or pausing a heated argument is different. Stonewalling is more persistent, avoids resolution, dismisses or invalidates the other person, and may become a habitual control tactic.
Does stonewalling mean the relationship is over?
Not always, but persistent stonewalling can severely damage a relationship. Without change, it often leads to breakdown. Legal separation or divorce may become inevitable if communication never improves.
What legal help is available if stonewalling is harming me?
You can speak to family law solicitors about divorce and separation, whether you would benefit from protective orders, or whether stonewalling behaviour might affect child arrangements or financial settlements during separation.
How Woolley & Co Solicitors can help
At Woolley & Co, our family law experts have experience supporting clients dealing with emotional withdrawal, communication breakdown, coercive behaviour, and stonewalling. We offer:
- Confidential advice on your legal rights
- Assistance in gathering evidence (communications, witness statements)
- Guidance on non-molestation orders or other protective remedies if necessary
- Help with mediation and negotiations where appropriate
- Support during separation, divorce or in arrangement of children where communication has broken down
If you’re seeing stonewalling in your relationship and need help, you don’t have to face it alone. Our team can talk through your situation in a confidential consultation.
Call us on 0800 321 3832 or complete our online form to take advantage of a free 30-minute consultation with an expert local divorce and family law solicitor.
Rachel Lander
Family law solicitor, Buckingham
