Getting divorced isn’t always straightforward. How smoothly the process goes can depend heavily on the ability to co-operate and communicate with your spouse. If your spouse is a narcissist, it can make things even more difficult. Here, we look at some of the common challenges when divorcing a narcissist and make some suggestions for overcoming these challenges.
What is a narcissist?
Firstly, we should explain what we mean when we talk about narcissism. A narcissist is someone who has narcissistic personality disorder. The Mayo Clinic defines narcissistic personality disorder as “a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence, they are not sure of their self-worth and are easily upset by the slightest criticism.”
Some people may refer to someone who has narcissistic traits as a narcissist, without knowing whether they actually have narcissistic personality disorder.
In any case, someone who possesses these traits or demonstrates self-serving, attention-seeking and manipulative behaviour, can understandably be difficult to deal with during a divorce.
How do I know if my spouse is a narcissist?
It is difficult to know for sure if your spouse is a narcissist if they haven’t been officially diagnosed by a mental health professional. There is also no legal definition of the term. However, if your spouse displays most of the following traits, it is possible they would be considered a narcissist:
- Controlling and manipulative behaviour
- An unreasonably high sense of self importance
- A belief they are superior to others
- Critical of others they feel they are superior to
- An inability to consider the needs of others
- Expect special treatment
- Obsessed with fantasies about achieving success/perfection – often associated with their looks or career
- Take advantage of others for their own gain
- An inability to take criticism
It’s important to note that narcissistic personality disorder exists on a spectrum and so not all narcissists exhibit all of these traits and nor are they all “bad people.” Narcissists have complex personalities just like everyone else and some people are able to harness their narcissistic traits in a positive way.
Why it isn’t easy divorcing a narcissist
Many people who have experienced divorcing a narcissist say their spouse refused to engage in the divorce process or wouldn’t acknowledge their divorce application.
Narcissists are also known to exhibit manipulative behaviour and so may try to convince you that a divorce is not what you really want.
Being married to a narcissist can also impact your own mental health and sense of self-worth. Your confidence is likely to have been eroded, and you may feel frightened to take those first steps towards getting a divorce.
What to do when divorcing a narcissist
- Keep a record of everything
A narcissist may try to gaslight you, making you second-guess what you have said and doubt yourself. For this reason, it’s important to keep a record of any communication you have with your spouse during the divorce process – or better still, do it through a solicitor.
- Keep your cool
Getting a divorce is a stressful time but try not to let your emotions show when dealing with your spouse. Some narcissists thrive on belittling others and if they see they have upset or angered you, it may encourage undesirable behaviour.
- Consider therapy
Being in a relationship with a narcissist can be hard on your mental health. Consider getting some professional help from a therapist or counsellor. They will be able to provide you with some tools to deal with the impact of being in a relationship with a narcissist and may also be able to help you better understand your ex and their behaviour patterns. - Set clear boundaries from the start
Avoid communicating directly with your ex if possible and try to only make contact if it’s essential (for example, if it’s related to childcare arrangements.) Consider using remote or shuttle-style communication in the mediation process – this allows you to avoid being in the same room as your ex if you don’t feel comfortable being in their company. Setting boundaries from the outset avoids sending mixed messages.
- Get professional legal advice
You may find it helpful to seek the professional advice of a solicitor when divorcing a narcissist, especially if there are children involved or if you are worried about your or your family’s safety. If you feel threatened or in danger, you should contact the police.
All divorces have their challenges, but divorcing someone with complex personality traits or mental health issues is demanding and sensitive. In this situation, it is always best to get as much professional help as possible. Working with legal professionals who have experience handling high-conflict divorces is essential. It can also be beneficial to seek support from trusted friends, family members, therapists, or support groups that understand the complexities of narcissistic abuse.
Get professional advice today.
We can help you approach your divorce in the most appropriate way for your situation. Our team of family law experts are ready to advise you. Just call us on 0800 321 3832 or complete our quick online form to book a free, 30-minute consultation.
Karen Agnew-Griffith
Divorce and family lawyer Thetford
